Weight loss

Joy and I are heading off for a quickie micro-vacation for the next
couple of days, so I thought I'd depart with a giggle. Number's 4 and
25 are definitely mine!
Tim.
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon
encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a
success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are
awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with the snake and winning its heart and mind Trains
it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis
in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter
mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to
properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats
to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim
extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee
on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake
force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on back order.)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and
delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter
and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and
misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of
snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast,
Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc...) Claims
that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device
will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a
revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well
on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines
or SAM's.
20. HH-53 Jolly Green pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake
builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor
wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds,
but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use
nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the
potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing
professional courtesy.
25. Military Police: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its
Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick.