And it takes just inches too much sometimes to remind you why there are
rules, and usually for very good reasons. I was reminded of the first
two rules of off roading this morning.
I had once again, spent a Saturday night on the top deck of UAB's Deck 4
next to the LifeSaver Helipad listening to the Alabama-Arkansas game
(Nuthin left but bacon bits when we left the field! 30-12). I couldn't
find the Auburn-Syracuse game on the radio, but I had heard that Auburn
was getting spanked bad by them yankees, it was like 17-0 when I heard
the first mention of the Auburn game on the radio. So I figured they
were goners, so I am tickled to read this morning that Auburn was able
to turn it around and cram it down Syracuse's throat 37-34 with 3
OVERTIMES! ROAR! Being a fidgety person by nature, I thought I would
clean the Montero while listening to the game and waiting for Joy to get
off. I even brought the wax too. I got there about 5:30 so I had some
time, might as well be productive. The AL game started @ 6:45 and Joy
usually get off about 8:PM. I cleaned all the windows, waxed the hood
and front fenders, checked all the fluids, cleaned out the inside and
was just generally having a good time while listening to the game. It
was halftime when Joy called me on the radio. I was pleased with what I
had accomplished, all without missing one "golden" word from Eli. The
rest of the night went fine, picked Cait up at the school @ 9:PM after
the play, Joy had cooked dinner while I was doing the taxi thing, ate,
checked my DSL line which was still out, watched the finale of the game
on the big screen (I love those things) and then went my happy butt to
bed mumbling "Yeah Alabama, Crimson Tide...."
I dropped Joy off at UAB about 7:AM and cruised on back to Irondale for
my usual breakfast at Krystal. 3 eggs, grits, 2 bacon, Orange Juice =
$3.12 is not bad. Now, it don't compare to the 5 star breakfast at MCE,
but it's not too far off the mark. Got through with breakfast and
headed back out to the car, it was still cool, the sun was beautiful, a
perfect day. As I drove towards the house, something kept calling my
mind away from the mundane drive home. It was like there was an ancient
explorer's spirit in the wind that was beckoning me in another
direction. So, I'm no one to dis ancient spirits (all kinds of bad
things can happen), so I submit to the call of the winds and just keep
driving east on Hwy 78 towards Leeds. It was so beautiful, and cool
too, I just kept driving until I made it to the 1st Leeds exit where I
turned around. I spied a few new "roads" I want to try on the way back
and I wanted to walk down to the Cahaba River to see how all that rain
was doing as it headed South.
One of the roads was a new development that they are putting in about
halfway between Irondale and Leeds. It's not much more than a bulldozed
road and a sign stating 62 beautiful acres. As I turn in, the road is
wide, dry and smooth, but I can see it taper the further back I look.
So I flip on the GPS, mark the entrance and turn my "electronic bread
crumb trail" on so I can find my way back out, pop "Monty" in first gear
and just idle along. About a mile back into these "62 beautiful acres"
I've long since lost the wide, the dry and the smooth. I am now quickly
approaching narrow, wet, and muddy. I stop, pop Monty into 4WD Low and
idle on down the trail. If you don't remember, Monty has street tires,
new on the front, much less than new on the rear, but even if they were
all new street tires, they're about worthless off road. But they act as
a self limiter, cause when I start spinning, it's time to turn around
and head back before I get into trouble. So I'm just idling along in
the mud, slipping and sliding every now and then, nothing to be
concerned with. 1.2 miles back into the picturesque 62 acres I come upon
an area on my left that has been worked with dozers and is nothing but a
big mud pit, don't want any part of that. But the road skirts the area
and heads off back into the woods. The tree covered canopy over the
trail is really calling my name, so off I go. I get to the end of the
construction area and I see up ahead water flowing over my trail from my
left to right. As I get closer I can tell that this is the water and
mud runoff from the mudhole on my left, and it covers the trail for
about 10 feet ahead of me and is dropping off into a bottomless hole on
my right. I remember one of the cardinal rules of four wheeling and I
stop, get out and walk the area before I attempt to drive it.
I'm going to try to paint a picture here. The ground ahead of me is
hard packed sandy red clay and sure enough, to my right, there is almost
a bottomless pit, about 20 feet deep and already has two trees that have
fallen into the hole from where the dirt around their root balls had
been dissolved. Must have been a lot of fast moving water coming down
from the construction area that dug this hole, undermined the trees, but
was now just a trickle. So, I have a 8' wide, flat trail ahead of me,
with a hard packed sandy clay bottom and about a small stream of water
crossing from left to right into a huge hole. I have a large water
puddle to my left that I want to stay out of a 8'wide trail ahead with a
20' hole on the right. The water might have been 8-10 inches deep where
it was flowing over the trail. Monty and I have been in much deeper
stuff than that, so it should be a piece of cake. I'm even going to
draw a picture and attach it to this email so you can really get a sense
of what would quickly become a near death experience for me.
I let the clutch out and start forward into the small stream of water
crossing the trail ahead of me. I'm about 2 feet into the stream when I
feel the left front tire starting to sink. I hit the brakes, throw it
into reverse before I get into trouble, too late... I hit the gas a
little bit to back her right on out, but what I get is totally
unexpected. The left front tire sinks even deeper as I try to back out,
then drops off into a hole, which raises the right rear of the car 3
FEET off the ground! I know I'm stuck, and Rule #1 of Off Roading pops
into my brain. NEVER GO ALONE!
Then I notice that not only am I stuck, I'm sinking deeper and I think
the whole front end just moved to the right, like the ground is moving.
I try to open my door, but it's under water, and stuck in the mud too.
So I sit there, pondering my options. Then I notice yes, I am moving.
I have a 20 foot drop off out my right door, my left door won't open
so I hit the rear hatch release and grab my phone, my GPS and bail out
through the rear hatch. When I hit the ground, my left leg sinks into
the mud up to my KNEE! OK, I'm out, I'm safe, let's see what the heck
is going on. As I peer around the left front tire which is totally
submerged above the headlight, I notice a little whirlpool forming
around the left front of the car. Everything to the left of me is
uphill and nothing but multiple backed up piles of mud and big water
puddles. I suddenly realize that where I was trying to cross was a
bottleneck and what I sunk into was the stopper of the bottle. And it
appears that I have disturbed that stopper and poked a hole in it and
that was were the whirlpool was coming from as the water started flow
another direction. Great! If the water cuts through the mud around my
left front, then the whole stopper is coming out and me and Monty are
about to become fill dirt for the 20 foot hole to my right as tons of
mud and water cascade down the hillside and bury us forever.
So, as I contemplate what to do, Off Roading Rule # 2 pops into my mind,
NEVER GO OFFROAD WITHOUT RECOVERY GEAR! No winch, no straps, no usable
jack, no come-a-long. I'm up that well known creek without a paddle! I
have no choice but to call for help on the cell phone. If I had a
signal! Nothing but a "No Service" message. Well Thank You Vorizon!
Left with no other choice but to "walk out", I start off back tracking
my way out of there. I looked over my shoulder a few times to catch
what I thought could indeed be the last glimpse of Monty.
Walking through the mud is never fun. Especially when you have no other
choice. 1.2 miles back out to Hwy. 78. Still no signal, so I start up
the hill wondering how far I am going to have to actually walk before I
can use my phone. Then I try to remember if Matt even came home last
night, and I know Wes worked last night, so he should be unconscious and
unreachable. Great! Just F.Y.I., Vorizon sold all of their towers
along I-20 east towards Atlanta several years ago, so your signal ceases
to exist about the east end of Irondale, and I was way past that. I
figure I have about a 5 mile hike ahead of me to the nearest payphone.
I hadn't gone 50 feet up the road before I noticed I had 1 signal bar,
so I tried it, Matt answered on the third ring. Thank You Lord!
Through a very broken signal, I tell him where I am and to COME GET ME!
I walk back down to where I had come out of the woods to wait on him.
So here I am, standing on the side of the road with one leg covered in
mud up to my knee. Little kids in the back seats of their parents SUV's
ride by and wave at me on their way to church. I can see their little
mouths saying "Oh look at that poor man..."
Matt gets there and we realize that Off Roading Rule # 2 is about to
bite me in the butt again. No recovery gear. Off to WallyWorld we go.
As we are walking to the automotive department, I become aware that my
mud has dried and is now leaving a trail behind me as it cracks and
flakes off with every step. I think they actually assigned someone to
walk behind me with a broom until I left the store. $30.00 later for a
20,000 pound tow strap, off we go to see if Monty is still with us.
As we pull around the last curve on the trail, I see red! A red Monty
that is, still above ground and not at the bottom of the hole covered
with tons of dirt and mud. Thank You Again Lord! Matt starts laughing
as he takes in the scene. He says "Dad, there only one thing I wish I
had right now, A CAMERA!" Do you ever want to backhand your kids? We
hop out to check how stable things are. It has moved, and is has about
a foot before it goes off the edge into the hole. We hook up the strap
and Matt takes the slack out as I get ready to climb back in through the
back. Behind the wheel, engine cranked, I give Matt the signal to "GO".
He pulled me out of there without as much as spinning a wheel! Talk
about adding insult to injury.
The rest of the trip back out was uneventful, except for the few time I
wanted to whip his butt for laughing at me to the point he had to stop
his Jeep or run off the trail. Children, how wonderful. The winch is
next on my Christmas list!
Who wants to go 4 wheeling with me next?
Tim.