The guy who wrote this is a genius..
Letter to a Bank - Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United
States. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has
only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which
this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have
set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship
be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my
affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct
of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you
will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of
the following changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your
bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at
your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an
offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details
of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they
say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing
field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you
will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank,
the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time
and will be answered by an automated voice service: Press buttons as
follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from
"The Best of Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a
guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners
sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost
which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of
advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per
page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute
of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example,
in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back
to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well
advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld)